Autistic or Quirky?

Autistic and Proud? I know I struggle with this thought. Sometimes, I find it hard to feel I am different from the "normals" around me. I see them say things that hurt others and are inappropriate... they have a medical diagnosis too! Empathy disorder. I know other people who rarely look others in the eye, they are shy. Then I see the "classic" autistic person, who doesn't speak and causes injury to themselves. So, who am I to feel proud, disabled or different? I am misunderstood. My brother can't be around me without saying, "That's inappropriate. Don't say that. Don't do that." The look people give me when I share my thoughts, it's like I just committed some horrific crime. Proud? I can't be. Inside, I care about these people. I'd like to talk to them in a way that they can see that. I feel like every waking moment of my life revolves around a conscious effort to be appropriate, to conform to current social cultures in order to fulfill my desire for human contact. It's exhausting. And the reward is slim as human contact is fleeting and usually leaves me feeling detached, abnormal and like I don't belong amongst this race.

Check out this interview from Good Morning America http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=5033594

What's very cool about being on the high functioning side of ASD? My superpowers. I love them. I just wish my body could handle such amazing ability. I love my IQ -128. I wish it were higher. Maybe next year. I can't live without my 20/15 vision. It's fun that I can be tickled from across the room. That's the best way to tickle me... though I still might cry out in pain and pee my pants. I love hearing frequencies other people can't. I can also tolerate higher frequencies of sound that make other people cringe. The downside, I hear everything that is said about me in whispers. The upside? If you play flute with me, we'll be in tune! That's rare. Oooooohh, and taste, I love tasting every seasoning, feeling every texture in the food I eat. I wish I knew more about all the spices available so I could name each one. And make an Indian Curry by taste! And of course smell, which is sometimes a blessing and other times I would like to... well lets just say I can live without some of the smells in this world.

If there was a cure, a treatment... it would be hard to be "normal" after living this way for so long. But I say that, given that I can communicate my basic needs. I can't communicate my deepest desires, but if I am sick I can tell you exactly what is wrong. When I break a bone... you will know... immediately. As a parent, I know what it's like to care for someone and know something is hurting them and they are unable to tell you. It's horrible. It rips the lining from your abdomen and all your inside fall to the floor. And as an adult with ASD, I don't feel proud about my lack of connection. It's starvation. I live on a fast from human connection, which I don't understand and even when people tell me the right thing to say and do... I am still alone in my cave and then exhausted from trying so hard to fit in.

What I find the most annoying with the '"Autistic and Proud" movement...is the improper comparison to the Civil Rights movement amongst blacks and gays. Autism or neuro-diversity, is not at all comparable to being black or gay. The proper comparison would be to compare us to the Deaf adults. Black people have no problem communicating with others. Gay people do not have trouble utilizing the language of their community. WE DO. WE, as ASD adults, have an impaired social response. Some days, it doesn't seem like a disability. Some days it does. Some of us aren't even aware there is a difference. Other's are institutionalized.

The "Autistic and Proud" movement is comparable to the deaf community's feelings that being deaf is not a medical condition. It will be the same in our community as it is in the Deaf community. There will be those of us whose choose to defy the desires of the "normals" who care about us. We will demand they not change us. And there will be those of us who feel disabled by our Autism. We will admit our defeat and seek assistance with this human condition. (As it is my existence as a human that is debilitating, not my Autism.) This will divide us. And that will not change the Autistic community, because we are individually packaged and not intended for resale.

I do appreciate the notion that as a society there needs to be proper education for our needs. School was very hard for me and if there had been someone who noticed early on that I was autistic and needed a different approach, my experience would have been drastically different. That did happen for me later on in jr. high and life changed drastically. I still don't know who was responsible for it, but one of the staff at my junior high requested that I be placed in the honors system... and the world opened up. It seems to be a contradiction admitting we need special services and comparing this movement to the civil rights movement. This indicates that we believe we are not different. But, if we need special services like a different educational environment... then we are different and therefore need not be treated like the majority. In fact, treatment like the majority I think would be detrimental to our progress and ability to live on our own as adults.