Newby, newby.

In my last post I ranted and raved and then spent hours editing. After watching the interview on Good Morning America last week, I have been very confused. It was a great thing in the end though. It drove me to blog, to search others' blogs and realize there is a whole world of Autism that I don't know. Having just discovered that my world is autistic, I am glad that this confusion has driven me to find the other side. And really, that's what it is.

I think the confusion lies in the way the asking for help has been presented. At this point, I feel like the words pride, proud and awareness are not the best choices. They emitt an attitude that is superior. Let me say, I don't feel superior when my husband puts something away in the kitchen where it doesn't belong and it stops me dead in my tracks. Until it is put right, I can't continue. I understand the simplicity of the problem, but it is not in me to find a solution. I have to call him and say, "Where is it?" If he doesn't know, then the kitchen is off limits to me and anything I need to do until he comes home and fixes it for me.

Feeling like an outsider today, in regards to reading all your blogs and writings, I realized that the communication problem regarding the Good Morning America story could lie in the editing room and the way Good Morning America chose to present the interviews. I think it would help the "movement" if we focused on adding legislation to the current ADA laws, that are aimed toward Autistics. This would increase awareness amongst the people who really affect our lives... ie teachers, care givers, social workers, first responders. I know that would help me. It seems though that by applying the word disability to autistic life... well I get the feeling that if we said that there would be a sense of defeat. Like by admitting that my "superpowers" are disabling is somehow a contradiction or admittance of defeat. But I feel disabled when my brain washes down the sides of my head because the kids have been so loud that I can't process any other information and resort to curling up in my bed. It doesn't matter at that point that my IQ is so high or that I can play flute in tune. All that matters is that I am paralyzed and until my husband comes home to take the kids somewhere else, that is how I will remain. Unavailable.

It was very interesting reading and surfing blogs related to Autism today. It was very clear that there are two waves of bloggers. Parents, who are not autistic and whose sites I couldn't even read. With all the "Autistic Pride" logos and information on every square inch of the page, I had to just move on. And HFA's. Those sites were very different from the parents' sites. It was also interesting to me that there seems to be a battle between the two. I ran across the term "autistic enough" a few times. I know I have not been autistic enough in situations. That has been a huge detriment to my development. But, I was a parent of an HFA before my own autism was noticed. So, I understand the helplessness that comes with a child who was "normal" and then was gone. I was lucky that I was able to help my son to become verbal again and social to a degree. Now he is like me. But after reading so many sites today (well, yesterday... I have not slept ;o), I am not convinced that it was the diet that helped. I just feel grateful as a parent that I know my son will be like me and that he will have the choice of an independant life. I know in time we'll understand more about autism and it's causes. But for now, it would be nice if we could all realize that fighting for legislation that will increase awareness of our special needs is something that we can do best together. I may not be autistic enough to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. But, those that cannot speak would benefit the same as I would from social services for Autistics. And, care givers of those that cannot speak would benefit as well.

It seems like this is the agenda, but as it was my first experience today reading, the agenda was quite lost amongst all the declaration of pride and acceptance.